Photo credit: Barnabas Co-Worker Dave Schutt, who pretended only momentarily to be concerned about my safety before whipping out his camera phone.
1. One’s van will turn into a well-secured fortress if you happen to bump the lock button – even if your keys are still in the ignition.
2. One should always keep their cell phone in their pocket, as it does little good sitting inside a locked van.
3. One should never leave your purse and wallet sitting wide open on the front seat while pumping gas. If you should happen to leave the pump for any reason, you will be unnecessarily stressed that potential thieves will be tempted by all your credit cards, cash, keys, etc., that are on full display.
4. 90s style cordless phones are still in good standing at your local gas station.
5. One should memorize their husband’s work phone number.
6. It matters very little knowing that some of your coworkers are still in the building across the street, when your toll-free number goes straight to voicemail after hours.
7. 394 looks way more dangerous to cross by foot, on your own, in the dark.
8. One should memorize their coworkers’ cell phone numbers.
9. One should memorize their coworkers’ email addresses, should you think to call your dad and ask him to email one of your coworkers for help.
10. One will regret her decision to have removed all coworkers’ email addresses from her company website just one month prior.
11. One will find boundless joy in the sound of her husband’s voice, after he answers his cell phone, when he usually keeps it on silent during working hours.
12. One’s 40-minute commute seems much longer, when you’re waiting for someone else to drive it.
13. The gas station is a great candidate for potential zombie apocalypse destinations, since it is well-stocked with canned goods, bottled drinks, paper products, Chap Stick, ibuprofen, toiletries, dice, playing cards, a bathroom, and Hostess snacks.
14. There’s a steady stream of humanity walking through the candy aisle and to the nacho station. Not one person stops to look at the bruised apples or browning bananas.
15. You will almost certainly die of heart disease in the post-zombie apocalypse should you choose to spend it in a gas station.
16. Gas station attendants are refreshingly pleasant, and will not complain when you receive multiple calls on their not-so-state-of-the-art phone. They may even offer you a folding chair if they observe that you need a place to sit.
17. There is nowhere to place a folding chair in a gas station where you are not in someone’s way.
18. Tabloid-size newspapers are ridiculously clunky to read. Especially in a folding chair where you’re always in someone’s way.
19. When one’s co-workers finally get the message about your plight, they will stop by to document your stupidity with pictures.
20. Scratch off lottery tickets are increasingly tempting the longer you stare at them.
21. You must have cash to use the scratch off lottery ticket machine.
22. No matter how many people walk in and out of a gas station over the course of an hour, you will instantly recognize the unmistakable sound of your husband’s key ring from across the building, the moment he walks in the door.
23. One’s smiling husband and children running up to you are the most beautiful sight in the world after a long and tiring day.