Recently, I had one of those stunning moments that stopped me in my tracks. My daughter sent me a picture of her hanging out with her boyfriend, Seth, in front of Williams Hall, a freshman girls’ dorm on the campus of Olivet Nazarene University.
Emma and Seth in front of Williams Hall, May 2025
There was nothing peculiar or particularly amazing about the picture itself. Emma sends me these kind of photo updates regularly, and this one, as images go, was a little on the dark and blurry side.
But it was a happy, candid image, capturing a beautiful moment in time—a moment of love, joy and contentment. And it reminded me of a similar image I had seen several times before.
I dug through my digital archive, and sure enough, found the picture I was looking for.
Robert and Heather in front of Williams Hall, September 1998
It’s a picture of Robert and me standing in the exact same location, at the exact same age, full of love, joy and contentment. I was standing in that location because Robert had come to visit me at my freshman dorm. In just a few short weeks, Emma will be attending her own freshman orientation and preparing to move into Williams Hall.
If I’m doing my math correctly (and that’s always a big if), my daughter was virtually reliving a moment from 27 years in my past.
Whew! True circle of life moment right there, my friends.
As patterns go, this one was a happy accident. However, my kids are constantly repeating patterns from my life, whether it’s because of genetics, behaviors I’ve modeled, or the lessons I’ve taught them since childhood (intentionally or not).
“The weight of parenthood is heavy. In many ways, we’re responsible for the patterns passed on to our children and the ones we intentionally break. ”
The weight of parenthood is heavy. In many ways, we’re responsible for the patterns passed on to our children and the ones we intentionally break.
Generational Patterns
My mom and I are currently working through the Book of Psalms, discussing one chapter each morning on my drive to work. (You see, my mom has a deep love and dependence on Scripture, and she’s doing her dead-level best to pass that passion down to her children and grandchildren.)
The morning after I saw that picture from Emma, mom and I discussed Psalm 78, in which the psalmist lists a long list of faulty patterns among God’s people.
They were forgetful of His miracles.
They were ungrateful for His provisions.
They were rebellious against His laws.
They were fearful and unfaithful, in spite of His constant love, patience and compassion.
“Like their ancestors they were disloyal and faithless, as unreliable as a faulty bow. They angered him with their high places; they aroused his jealousy with their idols.” (Psalm 78:57-58, NIV)
Therefore, the writer of this Psalm determined to start new patterns for future generations.
“My people, hear my teaching; listen to the words of my mouth. I will open my mouth with a parable; I will utter hidden things, things from of old—things we have heard and known, things our ancestors have told us.
“We will not hide them from their descendants; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the Lord, his power, and the wonders he has done.
“He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our ancestors to teach their children, to the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.
“Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. They would not be like their ancestors—a stubborn and rebellious generation, whose hearts were not loyal to God, whose spirits were not faithful to him.” (Psalm 78:1-8, NIV)
Where It Begins
There are so many of my patterns I hope my children will maintain and pass on to their own children, ranging from big to small:
Finding joy in everyday moments
Serving others in love
Trusting God in difficult circumstances
A deep appreciation for silly puns, Christmas Eve pajamas, 90s hip hop, Hayley Mills movies, and the beach.
Fostering these patterns takes time, consistency, authenticity and intentionality.
There are also, however, several patterns I hope will end with me:
Guilt ridden decision making
Overcommitment, lack of boundaries and exhaustion
Unhealthy coping methods
Body shame and self-loathing
Reliance on what other people think of me
Pettiness, bitterness, stubbornness, anxiousness and so many other nesses I won’t take space to name.
“I can’t expect my children to break the shackles that still have a hold on me.”
It occurs to me that this is the harder part. I can’t expect my children to break the shackles that still have a hold on me.
Breaking patterns starts in my own heart, my own life and in the example I live out for my kids.
Oy vey! That realization is, in a word, overwhelming. Breaking these patterns is more than difficult—it’s impossible. I can’t do this on my own.
Thank God I don’t have to!
And so, for me, for my children, my children’s children, and my children’s children’s children, I pray:
“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:1-2, NIV)
